My mental vomit.

Thankful

alliesheets — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:42:28 +0000

So at the beginning of 09 I started a list of things I was thankful for and continued it throughout the year, through my summer in japan, and into the new school year with my new and amazing roommates.

awkward moments

hope

The office

children’s brain

PIZZA!

freedom of religion

being able to see God’s beauty in the most unlikely of places

rain

acoustic guitars

Text messaging

free clothes

chipotle

road trips

The wise

fresh laundry

The present

soft beds

chipotle again

great professor

JAPAN!

JJ+ late night chats+ spastastic moments+ peeing your pants

epic roommies

the entire Davis family clan

people who are smarter than me

The kingdom of Heaven

quiet moments with God

the sacrifice of my parents so I can have an amazing education and young adulthood

Track

the sibs

Traveling

options

Jaime’s cookies

rockwalls.

Bookstore staff

the struggle and the questions

honesty

realizations from the summer of ’09

alliesheets — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 08:04:23 +0000

Whoa, what a tremendous summer I’ve had. I feel like it sort of blazed by me. And now that it’s over it’s sort of a blur. One incredible blur. I feel like being thrown into such an odd situation I have some great self reflections.

I have always know who I am, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have self discovery, and if there was ever a situation to have one it would be in Japan where you know no one, and getting ready to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I learned just so much about Allie.

Good things like I can make friends with no problem. That I don’t take life seriously at all. That I’m passive to the point of a dramaless existence. I love everyone. I stick to my values decently. I’m an example and a leader.

I also realized I am INSANE. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a functional relationship, but I don’t know if I care enough about being in a relationship to do anything about it. I have guilt issues. I’m incredibly hard on myself if I mess up, but I make a big joke out of it. Man how easy it was to just become completely disconnected with God. How easy it was to move into a life of complacency and ease, but one that lacks meaning. One that knows that God exists and doesn’t struggle with that. but how that God is really only a part of my life the last five minutes I’m awake during the day that prays the same prayer everytime.

I realized I don’t know whether I’m a camillion, a liar, or a fake but I can fit in anywhere. I have a mask for every occassion.

I think I realized once again that I’m human and make mistakes. But I was never meant for normalcy, thats for other people. It’s okay I do things normal girls do, but that it is not me at all. And I don’t wanna be a normal 20 year old girl. That’s too overdone, and an over used excuse for young people to do whatever they want in the moment it will feel good. Man there is so much more to existance than that.

I realized I want my name to go in the history books, but that’s not my destiny. I wanna do the things of a true HERO, the kind that go their whole lives trying to make a difference in the world for the sole purpose of being the change they wish to see in the world.

Even though I’m dysfunctional, hard to deal with, and quite a headache, I’m totally worth it when you get past that. I’m soft and I like me best in the quiet moments.I’m a hopeless Romantic idealist who wants a love story that connects all of humanity in Happily ever after. I think I would also like a selfish Romance just for me and my love. But this has to find me, and will more than likely be hiding behind an unlikely turn in the road. Nothing good is made by human hands.

Overall I realized I like me, which is good because I’m too lazy to change.

quiet moments.

alliesheets — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 15:11:02 +0000

Let’s start this with sometimes I can get seriously lost in my own thoughts.

I’m one of those people who can be alone in a crowded room. I’m the bus ride home saturday, with my whole team plus some, but I just wanted to stare out my window. And that’s okay because I’m pretty introverted and thats how I prefer it. But it’s in these quiet moments, when I’m alone, just me and my thoughts that i can feel a wholeness. Staring off into the night, watching the Japanese hills roll by me, I feel peaceful. But here’s the really out there part. It’s in these moments, these ones that I live for, that I feel a little bit of sadness. Weird right? That’s what I thought too.

And it’s weird because I really very rarely feel sadness, like I’m naturally a very happy person. This stems from good perspectives about things, and a great support system. So I found it so weird that in this moment of peace I felt sadness. And that’s kinda how I always am. When I’m just quiet in my soul, and not going crazy, theres always a little bit of sadness. can anyone else relate to this or am I just a freak?

But then I thought about it, and it comes back to that wholeness thing. Sadness is a normal human emotion. It’s almost like completion to me. It isn’t sadness that stems from sadness, its sadness that stems from being a human being and not a robot. It just reminds me that I exist, for reals, that I am a body. But that I am more than flesh, blood, and a brain. I have real feelings. And it’s not like I wanted to start crying, it was just a slight sadness. And I kinda liked it. I felt almost connected to the rest of humanity. i have the joy joy joy joy down in my heart. But sometimes life is sad, and feeling like that is part of the completion of life. It’s also part of being able to relate to one another as brothers and sisters.

yeah maybe I’m a freak, or manic depressive IDK. But that’s just how I feel.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been wicked obsessed with Elton John lately.

Why yes I know I’m an RST dork but…

alliesheets — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 08:20:07 +0000

I’m working on a paper about the epistles of John and their relationship to the gospel. And let me just tell you 1 john is so so so so so so so so cool. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed in this moment. Family, guilt, excitement, nerves, fear, STRESS, pressure, you name it I’m feeling it times 100. All these emotions on my heart and brain and soul, weighing me down. I’m going insane, but checkout what God delivered to me in the middle of freaking homework at one AM.

Dear Children, Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence Whenever our hearts condemn us. for God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything.

That’s all. I love you guys!

Sers?

alliesheets — Tue, 19 May 2009 07:20:55 +0000

I’m so happy to have been so inspired this weekend. In my psychology classes we learn about this thing called Flashbulb memories. It’s like an emotionally driving memory that is clear and ingrained in ones brain. Like how you will never forget where you were when the towers went down. Anyways this weekend I had one of those. I will never ever in my entire life forget Saturday night worship. I open my eyes during worship, while Dave is playing “For you are good: And I just saw the purest most untainted, truest, most vibrantly beautiful scene. All my family, my family in Christ worshipping, wholly, deeply, truly. They were beaming. It was amazing. I wish I had the words to describe it but I don’t. It was indescribable! There is no point in me even trying, I wish I could just project into words the light that were shining through all these AMAZING people. Pure beauty that moves me to tears.

I have just been so blessed by good Christian musicians in my life, and even on youtube. I can’t write my paper with worship music playing because I just want to dance for my king, praise him, lift my hands(the ones i need for typing) to him.

However it is so discouraging to see comments on beautiful music, beautiful worship that are arguing. countless evolutionary issues, salvific issues. People please just worship, don’t worry about being the great defender of the faith, just be consummed by the radiance of the prescence of the Lord. Let it fall on you and consume you from the inside out.

But I find hope in these words, which I have been so inspired by, and I hope everyone can make it their own prayer.
I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes

Yeeeah

I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest [x2]

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We’re on our knees
We’re on our knees

[Chorus]

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

1.1 Million people and all I can do is just talk

alliesheets — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 06:43:50 +0000

1.1 Million people die each year from dirty water illness…

The other day someone asked what is the biggest change in you since you have become a Christian. My biggest change is that I developed this giant love for my fellow man, and a strong sense of responsibility to love them. And I know, there are millions of Christians and non Christians in the world who love their fellow man, and are trying their best to do what they can to step outside themselves and help a stranger. But sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped in life, that all I can do is just talk about doing something. Well talk is cheap, and intention is empty without action. So these next two weeks I’m literally putting my money where my mouth is. I’m doing two weeks of sacrifice which means I’m giving up everything but water in remembrance of those who often have to go without even this basic necessity. I’m also taking all the money I would have spent on milk, coffee, juice, soda or whatever and putting it towards building Wells in Africa. Below is a video of one of my favorite artists doing a similar thing and bringing supplies to build wells in Sudan, its for club mocha and not 1000 wells, but its a similar charity http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOT32DRmvG8. I really really really want to encourage you guys to get involved. And not just for donations. But for the sacrifice involved in it, even if you don’t usually drink anything but water, not having something makes you think about not having, and from there you can think about the things others don’t have and can really build your heart for others. Here’s all the information you need. Seriously one small Pete’s would give three people water for a year, clean water. Water that won’t cause Dysentery or other DEADLY illnesses. I’m not trying to make anyone feel guilty, when it comes to my appetite I’m the biggest glutton I know, but we can help, we can make a difference. A little can do a lot when a community of hearts combine. 10,000 children and all I can do is just talk. While my house is full of possessions that negligence bought. Everyone tells me that I’m not to blame, Why do I still feel the same? CHORUS Only love can save us all. Only love can save us all, save us all. 10,000 children are my invitation to change. To continue in excess now suddenly feels oh so strange. Prayers and money should not be confused, But I pray that both still are used. CHORUS Only love can save us all. Only love can save us all What will become of me? Inside of history 10,000 children and all I can do is just talk.

8 Life Lessons I Learned while Swing Dancing.

alliesheets — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:47:44 +0000

So on Friday night I went Swing dancing with some friends from my church group. Let me tell you, the most fun I have ever had!!! I know it sounds so dorky, but really I was smiling the whole time. I also realized a few things about myself while I was “shaking it”.

1. Most of the time, I’m going to try to lead, unless I trust you.

But the dances where I follow always go so much smoother.

2. It’s true what they say, you should always dance like no one is watching.

3. It can be used as a form of martial arts if necessary.

4. I was born in the wrong era.

5. It doesn’t take much to make me dizzy… or happy.

6. Creepers are everywhere

7. Life was meant to be danced through

8. No matter how assertive my personality may seem, I’m not going to ask you to dance.

Obsession

alliesheets — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 02:18:30 +0000

Today, I’m just starting to write the first lines of a paper, but this song comes on from a CD a friend made me my senior year in high school. It’s full of very chill worships song, which is my kind of music. My Brain is just so chaotic sometimes, I really need just the guitar to focus on the Lord.
But this song inparticular just hit so at home for me. Some lines in it fully bring to words my current struggles and joys I’ve been experiencing with the God lately. Its funny how sometimes our father can use just a few words to touch your heart, especially when I feel like I’ve heard a thousand sagas lately that have nothing but make me more callous.
I’m pretty stoic, at least outwardly. But this song just made the tears fall down my face today. In fact, even as I post these lyrics for my friends to enjoy, I can still feel their remnants.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt even the least bit affected, but this is glorious. I hope it can do the same for you…

What can i do with my obsession
With the things i cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You’re further than the moon
Sometimes You’re closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You’ve come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns…for You

And i’m so filthy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
You know i’m stubborn, Lord, and i’m longing to be close
You burn me deeper than i know
And i feel lonely without hope
And i feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

my love burns for You
and my heart feels for You
my life good for You
all i have burns for you you
burns, burns, oh la la la la la la
my love burns for You
and my heart burns for You
you for you for you
and my heart burns for You
my love burns
my heart feel
my life good
all i have for you
my love burns
my heart feel
my life good
all i have for you